outlook = return to work

Next week I start back to work, and all I can think of is that I want to stay home with my babies.

I tell myself the following on a regular basis...
-be thankful for the flexiblity and great schedule
-you don't have an option and need to help support the family so make the best of it
-it won't be bad once you get adjusted back to it

but as the day grows closer the pit in my stomach grows bigger and i feel the tears well in my eyes. I thought...maybe if I blog about it some new insight or peace will come...

but for right now I will enjoy the memories of my days home with my babies...the precious days that have not all been fun, that have taught me a new level of patience and a new depth to love

here's to all the dance parties in the living room- of which I could never get a clear picture. =)


watching iz love on her little brother



days where iz never needed clothes, and loved it- playing around the house with one boot on, her hair covering her eyes, marker and sticker tattoos -perfectly happy trugging around "doing nothing"



watching my new babe grow



I think I'm afraid that by going to work I am somehow neglecting my children, my family. That they will be worse off because of it. That they will be sad, upset, impacted in a negative way. and... that I will look back and feel like I missed out, that I wasn't there for them all the time, that I didn't do everything I could...regret.
I'm afraid I won't have enough time to go to the park together, to have lazy mornings, outings to get ice cream, dance parties...to read, cook, invent, color, share. There it is again the pit in my stomach. the weight of the responsibility , to ensure that my darlings, my family are well taken care of, happy, well adjusted, loved enough...oh it makes my heart ache.

But I will be there for them. I will love them, care for them, do my best to ensure a loving and patient caregiver will be with them while I am not, engage with them, nuture them...I will do the best that I can.
This is true
I will miss these days

...and now after i've looked and read this post a few times I feel full of gratitude. grateful for what i have in my life. my 2 beautiful babies. healthy and strong. my loving husband. my job that provides us with money to pay our bills and buy clothes, diapers, and ice cream for special treats. grateful that i can be home when they wake up from their naps, hear iz call "moooommm!!" and take afternoon trips to the park , watch dora and dance with iz during the song parts, nurse my bodie, and make dinner together. and then thursday night when i know I have all day friday with you!! here's to pancake breakfasts together on the weekends, lazy friday mornings of lounging around the living room and watching you play and grow or trips to friend's houses or to the playroom or out to the coffee shop for a treat. I am so lucky.




i love you my darlings